My Heart is a Kaleidoscope
by irritablevowel
Summary: Usagi and Mamoru deal with the repercussions of his decision to study abroad.


WARNING: This is intended for mature audiences only. It contains sexual situations, so if you are uncomfortable with that, please move on.

This story was inspired by and fits into the manga canon. In the Dreams arc, Usagi mentions that she wanted to take her relationship with Mamoru "to the next level," but of course the Dead Moon Circus cockblocks her by a) turning her into a child and b) making Mamoru so ill that he could barely get out of bed. But still, I'm pretty certain they would do the deed before Mamoru left for Harvard, so this is my vision of how their first time goes. (It's also a chance for me to try to work through how/why he left for Harvard so dang suddenly!) It's a little angsty, but hopefully still does what it needs to do.

I am also posting this on Archive of our Own, publicly for now, but it might be available only to signed-in users in the future. I just wanted to give my followers on here a chance to see it, and to know that if this does disappear from this site, it will always be on AO3 (I have the same username there).

Shout out to my bae-ta. You know who you are. Thanks for all of the encouragement and feedback!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Mamo-chan! I'm here!" Usagi called cheerfully as she entered Mamoru's apartment. Humming a tuneless melody, she tucked her keys back into her purse and swapped her sandals for house slippers —the cute pink ones Mamoru bought especially for her, which boldly stood out among the various pairs of muted tartan.

Usagi had been thrilled to receive his call earlier in the day asking her to come over— _without_ Chibi-Usa. It had been a scant few weeks since Nehelenia had been defeated, and Usagi was determined to savor every mundane second of their hard-won peace. With the constant barrage of enemies and Mamoru's illness throughout the Dead Moon Circus's attack, it felt like years since they had a chance to just _be._

Breezing into the apartment, she threw her purse beside the sofa before quickly finding Mamoru in the kitchen, brewing a fresh pot of coffee. He greeted her with a kiss.

"Thanks for coming over, Usa."

"Of course!" she said, setting a plastic bag on the counter. "I brought cake," she explained, pulling two plates out of the cupboard.

"Any particular reason?" he smirked.

"Does cake need a reason?" she innocently replied, transferring a piece onto each plate.

"Not for you," he teased as she playfully stuck her tongue out at him. "You want some coffee?" he asked, holding up the steaming carafe.

"Sure." She smiled, watching as he pulled pink bunny-patterned mug off the drying rack and handed it to her, filling it up.

Although she was never a big fan of coffee, she had grown used to drinking it after spending so much time with Mamoru. Now, the deep, slightly acidic taste made her think of him and the blessedly normal moments they'd spent together in his apartment.

Taking their coffee and cake to his small dining area, the couple enjoyed a quiet snack together, catching up on the past few days' events. Usagi felt truly content as she ate her cake and listened to Mamoru talk about his day's classes in his reassuring, low voice.

A short while later, Mamoru was finding it hard to keep a straight face as Usagi recounted a spat she had with Chibi-Usa the previous day.

". . . and then she accused me of trying to kill the entire family, just because I started a little fire in the kitchen. Come on, like I _meant_ to forget to take the salmon out of the broiler! That little brat . . ." A scowl crossed her face as she pictured Chibi-Usa's chiding from the night before, made worse when Luna joined in the lecture. (The black cat seemed particularly stung by the loss of the fishy leftovers.)

"Chibi-Usa didn't give you a hard time about coming over here alone today, did she?" Mamoru asked, clearing their now-empty plates and setting them in the sink.

"Nah. She already had plans with Hotaru and Setsuna today, so she didn't care."

"That's good," he replied, rejoining her at the table. Usagi couldn't help but notice that he looked a little nervous.

"Everything OK, Mamo-chan?" she asked, placing a reassuring hand on his.

"Listen, Usa," he began, clearing his throat, "there is a reason I asked you over here today . . . alone."

Usagi watched curiously as Mamoru slid a thick envelope across the table to her, wondering what was hidden inside. Quickly taking in the envelope's battered edges, numerous stamps, and official-looking Harvard label, her heart leapt.

Did he really get in? Did he really do it?

For a brief moment, she felt giddy with happiness over this potential accomplishment before reality came crashing down.

Did he _really_ get in? Could _she_ really do this?

She glanced up, surprised to see her feelings of uncertainty and fear mirrored in his eyes. Usagi looked back down at the envelope, delicately tracing a finger along the already-opened edge before strengthening her resolve and pulling out the stack of papers with slightly shaky hands. Though she could barely read a word of the letter on the top of the pile, she didn't really need to.

Rejection letters didn't come with paperwork to fill out.

"Congratulations, Mamo-chan," she said with a forced smile, doing her best to fight back the tears threatening to come. "I knew you'd get in."

Mamoru quickly left his chair to kneel by her side. "Listen, Usako," he began, taking one of her hands in his, "I don't have to go. You say the word and—"

"Mamo-chan," she said, halting his words, "we've already had enough discussions about this. It would be stupid not to go. This is _Harvard_. Opportunities like this don't come around very often."

He sighed, remembering their many talks on the matter months before. After his advisor had suggested applying, he mentioned it to Usagi, expecting her to immediately reject the idea. He was unsurprised when she grew quiet and quickly ended their call after he brought it up. But when she stopped by his apartment the next day, it was with a smile and full support for the plan.

"It would be such an honor for you, Mamo-chan," she had explained. "Now the whole world will know how amazing you are . . ."

Mamoru saw the sadness behind her smile—felt the reluctance behind her words—but knew her support was genuine and was grateful for it. And while he wasn't particularly eager to leave her side, the allure of Harvard was undeniable. In addition to being a wonderful academic and cultural experience, Mamoru had reasoned that it would benefit his potential future role as king as well, and would hopefully ease relations with Western nations when or if the time came.

Usagi had been convinced from day 1 that he was a shoo-in, but Mamoru was more realistic about his chances. He had fully expected to be rejected from the selective institution. The acceptance letter had stunned him.

It had been so much easier to justify—had felt so logical—when it was hypothetical. Now reality was setting in, and Mamoru was struggling.

"So you really think I should go?"

"Of course," she replied simply.

"You . . . do you _want_ me to go?"

"Of course I don't," she said softly, shaking her head. "But you _should_. This might be your last chance to do something like this. And . . . we have the next thousand years to be together, right?"

He nodded, giving her a brief smile before his face fell once again. "I just . . . I don't feel right about not being here to protect you," he confessed.

Usagi slid out of her chair to kneel before him on the floor. "Don't worry, Mamo-chan," she said, pulling him into a comforting embrace, as much for her sake as for his, "the girls would never let anything happen to me."

"I know. . . ." he conceded, melting into her. "But what if a new enemy appears while I'm gone?"

She leaned back slightly, taking in his worried expression. " _If_ a new enemy appears, we can discuss our options, OK?" Usagi said, pressing a soft hand to his slightly stubbly cheek. Mamoru reached up, covering her hand in his and leaning into her touch before turning his head slightly to kiss her palm.

She sighed, continuing to caress his face. "When do you have to be there?"

"That's the other thing," he explained, a worried expression marring his face. "Orientation is August 20th."

Usagi's eyebrows knitted together as she processed his words. "But that's just three weeks from now," she said desperately, feeling the color drain from her face. "I thought you wouldn't go until the spring!"

"I know it's sudden," he explained, taking her hands in his, "but they had a last-minute opening for the fall semester and offered it to me. I figure the sooner I leave the sooner I can be back with you."

Usagi swallowed thickly, shocked at how quickly he was being taken from her. She turned away from him, trying not to think of the long stretch of lonely nights in her near future—of how long she would be unable to gaze into the depths of the deep blue eyes she loved so much, how long she would have to forgo the touch of his fingers on her skin, the feel of his kiss on her lips, the comforting weight of his body on hers.

"I'll miss you," she whispered, turning back to him as her tears finally began to fall.

"Usako . . ." He leaned forward, trapping her in a searing kiss; the coolness of her salty tears mixed on their lips. "I'm going to make you so proud of me, Usako." He kissed her again, lingering slightly longer this time. "I'm going to work so hard to be the man you deserve," he promised before once again capturing her lips in his own, her tears ebbing as their desperate need for one another overwhelmed her sadness.

"Don't stop," she begged between kisses, urging him on. "I need you, Mamo-chan."

Usagi parted her lips to deepen the kiss, whimpering as their tongues intertwined again and again. Her hands threaded through his hair, pressing him closer, closer, as he moved his ministrations to her tender neck. She threw her head back, allowing him easier access as he licked along her jawline before settling on a spot to suck.

Turning her head, she nuzzled Mamoru's ear before capturing the lobe in her lips, sucking and nibbling, running her tongue along its edge then blowing softly, earning a moan from her lover.

His suddenly desperate hands seemed to be everywhere—running over her back, caressing her breasts, grabbing her ass—and her body throbbed for him.

She leaned back to catch her breath, looking at him with blazing eyes blown wide, his face intense with want, his growing desire pressed against her belly. Usagi knew that they could easily end up in a jumble on the floor—it had happened plenty of times before—but now that their days were numbered, she wanted to make the most of every precious second they had left.

Usagi smiled reassuringly at her lover as she took his hands in hers and stood, drawing him up with her.

"C'mon," she said, gently pulling him into the living room. He followed her willingly as she guided him to sit on the sofa.

Standing between his legs, Usagi gave Mamoru a sweet kiss before starting to unbutton his shirt. Mamoru leaned back, enjoying the feel of her fingers dancing down his chest to undress him. Soon he was sitting forward to make it easier for Usagi to push his shirt off, leaving it crumpled and forgotten on the floor beside them.

Taking Mamoru's face in her hands, Usagi leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his left eyelid, then his right, then on his nose, then jaw . . . relishing the way his body subtly reacted to her touch before finally kissing his lips once again.

As his hands threaded through her hair, she let her hands wander down his naked torso, fingers fanning to spread out across the strong muscles toned from fighting by her side to protect their planet from harm.

He broke the kiss to lick an electric pathway down her neck, his tongue firmly sweeping across her throat before latching onto her pulse. Usagi moaned as he sucked and teased her, feeling her skin alight with desire. She shivered as he hooked a finger around the strap of her simple summer dress, pulled it down over her sun-freckled shoulder, and traced his finger's path with his hot breath.

Mamoru relished the taste of her slightly salty skin as he ran his stiff tongue across her collarbone, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. He once again latched onto her neck, teasing and sucking as his hands snaked under her skirt. She gasped as he lightly drew his fingers torturously slowly up her inner thigh, causing heat to pool deliciously between her legs. Just before reaching her panty-line, he shifted, grabbing her ass and pulling her forward, kneading her flesh with his strong hands.

She was breathing heavily when he finally released her from his grip. He looked deep into her eyes as he fingered the hem of her dress, raising his eyebrows to wordlessly ask permission to disrobe her. She smiled and unzipped the side of her dress, then lifted her arms above her head as he pulled the garment off of her.

He took a moment to gaze at his beloved—the woman who made him complete —in her deceptively innocent-looking white bra and panties, desperately trying to memorize the captivating picture she made. He loved how slightly disheveled she looked, knowing that he had been the cause of the love bites across her neck, her messy hair, and her heavy breathing. He smiled, thinking that this sight alone would be capable of getting him through many lonely nights.

Mamoru drew her toward him again and their mouths collided, her hands gripping his hair possessively, though she didn't keep them there long. Down they went, touching his firm abs and along the delicate trail of hair leading down his abdomen, until they were fumbling to undo his trousers. Getting the message, he finished the job, shimming out of his pants and abandoning them in a heap on the floor.

Leaning forward, Usagi placed her hands on the sofa cushion behind Mamoru's head, then climbed onto the sofa to straddle his lap. He moaned as she ground herself along his erection, feeling a hint of her wetness even through two layers of underwear. She slowly thrust her hips back and forth, gradually speeding up as pleasure overtook them both. He grabbed onto her hips, helping to guide her pace.

"Fuck, Usako . . ."

Feeling himself start to reach the point of no return, he stilled her hips. Mamoru had no desire to come so soon, especially without pleasuring her first.

He swiftly reached up to undo her bra, then buried his face in her naked breasts. She gasped as he took one of her nipples into his mouth, first hungrily sucking and then lightly nibbling it. He licked his way across to her other breast, nuzzling the soft mound briefly before taking her pert breast into his mouth, sucking and teasing her nub. Opening his mouth slightly, he sucked cold air in around her hard nipple, causing Usagi to cry out in pleasure.

Guiding her feet around his back, Mamoru swiftly repositioned them, shifting their bodies so that she was lying on the sofa and he was hovering above her.

After Usagi unhitched her legs from around his waist, Mamoru shifted slightly, his eyes locked on hers, as he settled his body beside her. Propping up his head with one hand, he allowed the other to slowly trail down her belly, and then up her inner thigh.

She shivered with anticipation as his fingers drew closer and closer to her sex, wanting nothing more than to feel his touch on her. Yet as he reached her panties, his fingers ran back down her thigh slightly before once again starting the torturous ascent. Over and over he teased her, until she could wait no longer.

"Mamo-chan, please . . ." she pleaded, her voice husky with desire.

He leaned over slightly to murmur in her ear. "What is it you want me to do, my love?"

"Touch me, please, Mamo-chan . . ."

He smiled, running a finger along her panty line. "Like this?"

She whimpered, shaking her head.

"This?" he whispered, lightly brushing his hand across her soaked panties.

Usagi growled in frustration.

"Show me . . ." Mamoru said, deciding he'd teased her long enough.

Grasping Mamoru's hand, she swiftly shoved it down the front of her underwear and used it to rub herself in firm, furious strokes. She released his hand and he gladly took over, stroking and teasing, testing the depth of her silky wetness as he pleasured her. Soon he pulled her panties down and off, throwing them aside to gain full access to her throbbing core.

It didn't take long for Usagi to begin losing control, her body writhing under Mamoru's practiced touch. Each skillful stroke of her clit with his wet fingers brought her close to the edge. Her breathing was ragged, her face alight, her limbs seizing, lightning shooting through her body at her lover's every touch . . . until she was falling, tumbling over the edge into an electric sea, drowning in waves of raw pleasure.

Usagi was only dimly aware of coming back into her body. Gradually her breathing grew steady and the exquisite numbness subsided, Mamoru's sweet kisses peppering her face, easing her down from the precipice.

"You're so beautiful," he observed, caressing her face.

She gazed into his endlessly blue eyes, her heart so full of love for him that she thought it might burst.

They had spent the last two years fighting beside each other, learning about their past and future, and discovering the unimaginable depth of their love and devotion. From their first innocent kisses grew a passionate love, and even though they had thoroughly explored one another's bodies, learning the caresses, touches, and kisses that elicited the most pleasure, they had yet to make love. For a while it was because neither was ready to take that step. But as they and their relationship matured, it became a matter of circumstance. Villains brought distraction and took their toll mentally and physically on the couple. And while they found reassurance in each other's embraces, the timing just never seemed right.

But at that moment, looking into her lover's eyes, Usagi knew that she needed him—all of him—and wanted to give all of herself in return.

She had decided.

It was time.

Usagi turned her body to face him. She kissed him, cradling his face in one hand as she ran the other along his body, down his side, across his hip to his erection. She gripped it, stroking it firmly through his underwear to excite him fully.

"Mamo-chan," she said, maneuvering her hand through the opening of his boxer briefs to grasp his swollen flesh, eliciting a deep moan from him. "I can't wait any longer," she said, stroking him. "I want you."

He stilled slightly under her touch, his eyes blinking open.

"You want to . . ." he trailed off, uncertain if he had interpreted her correctly.

"I want you in me," she confirmed in a low voice, hooking her thigh around his as she continued pumping her hand up and down his shaft. "I need you, Mamo-chan."

"Usako . . . fuck . . ." he said, throwing his head back as he stifled a moan, "I want you so bad." She encouraged his pleasure, twisting her hand along his erection as he subconsciously thrust into her hand, his breath growing ragged.

Unhooking her leg from his, she withdrew her hand and bent down to grasp the sides of his underwear.

"I need you, Mamo-chan," she repeated, tugging his underwear down.

"Wait, wait," Mamoru said, placing his hands on hers. He took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. "Usako, are you serious?"

Releasing his underwear, she crawled forward before nestling herself atop him. She kissed him, briefly but passionately, hoping that he felt her veracity in her kiss.

"Mamo-chan," she began, pushing a few disheveled ebony locks from his forehead, "I've been ready for a while. But then you were so sick . . ." She looked down, thinking of the illness he had tried to hide from her for so long, Nehelenia's cursed sickness that invaded his body and their beloved planet, nearly causing the destruction of both. "I love you, Mamo-chan," she said, looking once again into his eyes. "We've been together for a while now, we've shared so much of ourselves with each other already, and I really, truly want this." She leaned forward to kiss him once again. "I want to become one with you, Mamoru."

"Usako, I'd love nothing more, but . . . I'm not . . . I don't . . ." He let out a frustrated sigh, running his hands through his hair. "I don't have any . . . y'know . . . protection."

She smirked, climbing off of the sofa. He propped himself on his elbows, watching as she reached for her purse. "Maybe you don't," she said, pulling out a condom, "but I do."

Mamoru froze as reality sunk in.

"You have a condom in your purse . . ."

"Well, two or three, but—"

"Why did you have a condom in your purse?"

She blushed, returning to sit next to Mamoru on the sofa. "Minako. She gave me a pack on my birthday and I kept some in my purse after that just, y'know, just in case." She studied his face, hoping to glean some meaning from his blank expression.

"Mamo-chan . . . if you're not—"

He cut her off suddenly with a passionate kiss, scattering the rest of her thoughts to the wind.

"C'mon," he said, plucking the condom from her hand, "let's do this right."

He sat up, and, taking her in his lap, brought his arms under her back and legs. She squealed and wrapped her arms around his neck as he lifted her up and carried her bridal style into his bedroom. He laid her down on the bed gently, kissing her deeply before placing the condom on his nightstand.

She sighed when he finally removed his underwear, briefly enjoying the sight of his lust-addled expression and godlike physique on full display before he crawled onto the bed to join her.

Mamoru reached a hand up and Usagi matched his action, threading her fingers through his. He brought their entangled hands to his lips, kissing her hand gently before releasing her. He ran his fingers along her jaw, feeling her soft skin under his touch.

Usagi smiled as he caressed and kissed her face, trailing her hand along his body to his upper thigh. Tracing a finger around the perimeter of his groin a few times to excite him, she finally grasped his dick, pleased to find it hard and ready. She felt her body echo his excitement; a desire deep within her throbbed, ready and waiting for completion.

Mamoru leaned back, reaching back to his nightstand for the condom. He sat up and tore the package open and, after taking a deep breath, rolled the condom onto himself before turning to face her once again.

Usagi bit her lip, suddenly feeling a little nervous as Mamoru nestled between her legs and positioned himself at her entrance. But then his hands were caressing her face again, and she felt so certain, so sure that this was right as she looked into his eyes. This was the man she loved with her entire being, the soul who completed hers.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

She nodded, reassuring him with a smile. "I love you, Mamo-chan."

"I love you so much, Usa . . ."

They locked on each other's eyes as he achingly, torturously slowly entered her, hungrily studying each other's expressions as they became one for the first time. He stopped at her barrier and took a deep breath before plunging in fully.

Usagi whimpered in pain, jerking her limbs to wrap around him.

"I'm so sorry, Usa . . ." Mamoru mumbled into her ear, stroking her hair.

But the pain had already ebbed and was nearly forgotten as she adjusted to the exquisite feeling of having Mamoru deep within her. Her grip on him loosened and she acted on instinct, thrusting her hips up to take him even deeper within. The two lovers gasped at their delicious completeness, taking in every erotic moment of their joining.

Slowly, Mamoru began to thrust, intently watching the pleasure flit across her face as he gradually quickened his pace. They were both overwhelmed with feeling: he, of the tight, slick wetness that surrounded him, sheathing him with pleasure; and she, of the perfect instrument he was using to plunge her depths, discovering new depths of bodily delight she never knew existed.

Suddenly, snippets of forgotten memories began floating across their minds. An ancient tryst in an apple orchard, limbs locked together in a rose garden, hands grasping tangled sheets in a lunar pavilion, flushed cheeks, heavy panting, tangled limbs, sweaty, thrusting, aching completeness swirled in their minds; and they were no longer Usagi and Mamoru, nor were they Serenity and Endymion; they were two souls bonded, dancing together, sharing the ultimate expression of their love. Though nearly overwhelming, the memories deepened the feelings of the moment, their past and present souls and bodies synched together in perfect harmony.

Usagi leaned her head back in utter pleasure as Mamoru thrust into her. Accepting the offering of her graceful neck, he licked and sucked, causing her to cry out. He felt himself react to her, growing harder, more aroused than he had ever been in his life. Every thrust now elicited a reaction from his love—a pant, a gasp, a moan, an involuntary jerk of her limbs. She was so wet, so hot, so close and he was determined to bring her to climax once again.

Reaching down to where they were joined, he felt for her swollen nub. A single flick elicited a cry as electricity shot through Usagi's body. It didn't take long before she was racked with pleasure, crying out, grasping Mamoru's back, tightly winding her legs around his wildly thrusting pelvis. She was overwhelmed, and soon reached her peak, diving, flying into the ether. Mamoru was swift behind her. He felt his orgasm building deep within, soon exploding with a moan, spilling his seed into her in waves, as they rode out their pleasure together until they stilled, utterly sated. They opened their eyes, gazing at each other with aching tenderness as their breathing gradually steadied.

"I love you, Usako."

"I love you, Mamo-chan."

They kissed tenderly, softly, as he began to grow soft within her. He soon rolled off of her, sitting on the edge of the bed to steady his swirling head. Usagi leaned over to rub his back. He stood and smiled at her, looking slightly dazed but totally content. She loved seeing him utterly undone like this, knowing that it was something that he had shared only with her. She felt powerful, knowing she had done that to him.

After an unsteady trip to the bathroom to clean up, they returned to bed, Usagi nestled in the crook of Mamoru's arm.

"Mamo-chan," she said, rubbing his still sweaty chest, "promise me . . ."

"Promise what?" he asked, kissing the top of her golden hair.

"Promise that you'll come back to me."

He gently brought her chin up so that she was looking at him, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"My love, death cannot keep me from you."

She sniffed, threading her arms around him and burying her head in his chest as he encircled her in his arms. And there they lay, soaking up each other's presence, for several minutes, until Usagi finally broke the silence with a sigh.

"Ugh," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"What?"

"I guess I'm going to have to think of a new birthday present for you now."

He chuckled, tightening his embrace for a moment. "I really don't think you do."

Giggling, Usagi looked up at him. "Maybe I'll finally take Minako up on her offer to go lingerie shopping."

He grinned, rubbing her shoulder. "There you go."

"Mamo-chan?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" he asked, looking down at her.

"Making love to me. For loving me. For everything."

"Usako . . . you are my everything. Thank you for supporting me in this . . . you don't know how much that means to me."

"If you're really going to go, I do have some demands."

"Oh yeah?"

"You have to promise to call or write every day."

"I promise I'll buy all of the phone cards and stamps in Massachusetts if I have to."

"And you have to promise to go out and make friends and not just study all the time."

"I'll do my best, Usako."

"Promise that you'll love me forever and ever."

"I absolutely promise, my love," he said, his thoughts flitting to a certain heart-shaped ring he had spied in a jewelry store window just the day before.

"And promise," she began, rolling onto him, "that we will make the most of the time before you go . . ."

"Usa," he said, snaking his arms around her and kissing her once more, "that is a guarantee."


End file.
